Just wash it you heathens

You don’t need toilet paper. At all. You can just wash your butt. In fact, you really should wash your butt. If you got poop on anything else you wouldn’t just wipe it off, right? Why treat your butt so poorly?

I’ve written about this previously in White People, You Need To Wash Your Butts. That’s more of an argument, whereas this is a practical guide. Now that many western countries are running out of toilet paper, this has become less of a choice than a necessity. So here’s a guide.

0 | The basic principle

The basic principle of washing your butt is that it’s like washing anything else, except it’s your butt. This makes it a bit harder cause you can’t see back there, but you’ll get used to it.

The basic ingredients you’ll need are just water and ideally soap. To dry you can use a little bit of toilet paper, a towel or just patience and time. Note that it helps if your sink is near the toilet, not architecturally removed.

There are a few ways to wash your butt. I’ll go through them from the least to the most equipment required.

1 | Using a bowl

This is the simplest method. You just need a bowl, or a mug, or a coconut shell or whatever you can find that will hold water. If you are going to buy something, the ideal thing is a plastic jug with a spout, like a measuring cup. Here’s how it works.

1. Lean forward a bit
2. Pour water down your butt crack
3. Repeat

Now, this is the part that gets people. If you want a clean butt you have to use soap and water. This is the general rule for any surface you get poop on. This means that you have to use your hand.

What I do in this situation is reach over to the sink, wet and soap my left hand, and get in there to scrub the butt. This is step four.

4. Wash the butt with soap and water using hand

5. Rinse the butt and hand

6. Wash hands in sink

This is the simplest way to wash your butt. You can do it in quarantine without buying anything, and it should also motivate you to wash your hands really well. There’s nothing wrong with the good old bowl-and-butt method. They’ve been using this at my grandmother’s house for decades now. May it help you in your time of want.

2 | Using a hand bidet

A hand bidet has to be installed next to your toilet, but is well worth it. This is one of the greatest advances in human civilization, up there with the electric light. This magnificent bum gun will literally blow the poop off your ass. It’s amazing, and costs only about $30.

The wonderful thing here is that if you have enough water pressure, you can clean your butt pretty thoroughly with just the water. It’s also quite fun. It’s like a Super Soaker for your butt. Note that with the hand bidet you also have the option of washing from front to back, as in put the nozzle through your legs and blast up.

It’s still best practice to use soap on your dirty ass, but honestly, I often skip this. Instead, I do a good rinse and then wipe with one pull of toilet paper. If I find any evidence, I rinse and wipe again. This isn’t a full TP-free existence, but you certainly use much less. I call it hybrid ass.

3 | The French Bidet

I honestly hate these things. They seem classy cause they’re European, but in reality, you have to waddle your dirty ass over with your pants around your ankles. It’s undignified.

The steps are all basically the same as using a bowl, besides the waddling.

1. Waddle
2. Same as above

You do get the pressure benefit of a hand bidet, but a hand bidet is much cheaper, takes up less space, and is much more fun. If you have a bidet bidet obviously use it, but if you’re installing something I’d recommend the hand bidet or, if you’re balling, the holy grail of all butt-washing, the Disneyworld of clean asses — a Japanese-style toilet seat.

4 | The Japanese toilet seat

I have only used these in hotels. They are marvelous. If the hand-bidet is the electric light of ass technology, this is an OLED TV. This is your ass in high definition. These sophisticated toilets will, at the spray of a button, wash and dry your butt, play music, deodorize, and much more. Some of them play background noise you can toot in peace. Like everything else, the Japanese have taken toilets too far and this is the height of civilization.

Personally I’m fine with a bum gun, and these cost easily $500, but if you are rich and still walking around with a dirty ass, please consider what the value of wealth even is. Get yourself a throne.

Drying Dat Ass

Now, this is a part I’ve kinda left out. Unless you have a fancy Japanese ass-dryer, how do you dry your butt? Now, what I do is a perfunctory wipe with toilet paper, but what if you want to go TP-free, or if your fellow dirty-assed compatriots have hoarded it?

There are two options. One is to just shake your butt a bit and wait. It honestly doesn’t get that wet and gravity is your friend. The other is to dry your butt with a towel. This might feel gross, but I’m not saying wipe your ass with a towel, just dry it. If you’ve washed your butt correctly this should be fine. Honestly, given coronavirus, your butt is probably safer than your hands. We should be shaking butts.

In Conclusion

I hope this has been helpful to you. It seems to have taken actually running out of toilet paper for much of the western world to wake up, but you should not just be wiping your ass with paper. Imagine a shower based on these principles. Everyone should be washing their butts, and this is how the rest of the world does it.

You can do it with just a bowl or a $500 toilet seat that sings to you, but get it done. We all need to clean our butts. This is how.