Sri Lanka’s would be leaders sit down for a chat

If our Presidential candidates were applying for a job, just a normal job, what would we ask them? How would they do?

Here’s a hypothetical interview with the three main candidates for President of Sri Lanka. Sajith Premadasa, Gotabaya Rajapaksa, and our local AOC, Anura Kumara Dissanayake (AKD).

So, how did you hear about this job?

Gota: My brother.
Sajith: My father, my Thatha, my Appachi, or — as Augustus would have described it — my paterfamilias.
AKD: Tried to overthrow this place in the 80s.

Do you meet the minimum qualifications?

Gota: No, but what are you going to do about it?
AKD: Yes.
Sajith: Yes, I have the hitherto requested qualifications and am ready to furnish them forthwith on demand, or request, and have in fact brought a binder containing such qualifications, et al.

What will you do for the poor?

Sajith: Give them stuff. I have built 64,278 homes for 382,458 beneficiaries and am committed to delivering my deliverables in a time-targeted manner, on time. [Checks time].
Gota: Buy useless stuff they can see in campaign videos.
AKD: Represent them.

What would you do for the economy?

Sajith: Industrialize more districts, empower the youth, entrepreneurs and women, in a results-oriented, time-direct not at all involving time travel manner, except in the forward direction, together. Sri Lanka first!
Gota: [Looks at brother] I will cut all taxes and increase spending. My brother said we can use the country’s credit card. Immediate cashback bonus!
AKD: I would reduce the expenditure of the Presidency, reduce cabinet to 30 plus 30 deputies, promote local manufacturing, IT and protect the environment. Also maybe break it because, you know, communism.

Who are you surrounded by?

AKD: The people, some aging Marxists and my fanbois and girls on Twitter.
Gota: Professionals. Professional criminals. Any former terrorist, financial crook or grifter is welcome in my campaign. This is a campaign for people that want to stay out of jail. Also some people in jail. Ask my brother.
Sajith: I have robust support from the UNP faithful who have not run a candidate in 14 years and reluctant support from our Dear Leader, who has not run in 14 years.

What will you do for national security?

AKD: Only national unity can provide national security.
Gota: Arrest and kill people, especially minorities. We can also stop sabotaging national security if you just vote to keep us out of jail.
Sajith: Unleash Fonny. Sarath Fonseka will be in charge of formulating, distilling, and executing a strategy to eradicate terrorism in a time-targeted and possibly human-targeted manner.

What is your favorite dinosaur?

Gota: Tyrannosaurus
AKD: Brontosaurus
Sajith: Thesaurus

What‘s your favorite Disney movie?

Gota: Lion King, except the end
Sajith: Lion King
AKD: Frozen

What superhero would you be?

AKD: Everyman
Sajith: Pad Man
Gota: Man With A Van

Would you be willing to debate the other candidates?

Sajith: I challenge them to do so.
AKD: I was born ready.
Gota: Ask my nephew.

Any closing comments?

AKD: I’m tired of being every voter’s side bitch. Stop liking my photos and vote for me.
Sajith: Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua.
Gota: Ask my brother.