‘dance’, tagged as girl and architecture by y-a-n
I’m pretty young, but it seems that I keep having the same relationships over and over. I’ve been to a shrink here and I know what they’d tell me – Prodep once a day and Clozenapam in the evenings. As fun as that is, Pro(zac) makes it exceedingly difficult to climax, sorta nullifying the whole relationship thing. I do, however, remember one thing from the early hocus pocus of Freud and Jung. F & J are basically empirically invalid, but they were very interesting thinkers. Jung had this idea of archetypes, which are basically templates for ideas. He said that humans had a few typical archetypes or moulds that we fit all our experiences into. I know I have at least one archetypes, which is as follows:
The Hard To Get Girl: I am intensely and morbidly attracted to girls who are unavailable, busy, and neglectful. All that’s required is one objectively attractive trait, a lot of inattention, and I’ll fill in the rest. If they simply ignore me what limited game I have is rendered useless. I’ll fly into the friend zone – that trap of liquified libidos – like a moth to a flame. These girls, however, do not simply ignore me. In fact, we often end up hanging out a lot. I’ve often wondered what they get out of their position of power. I sorta subscribe to the quote that men give love for sex, and women give sex for love. These girls say that I’m fun and interesting or whatever, and they just get whatever ‘love’ they can out of me. I’ll go on pseudodates and talk about their problems and be there for whatever. I’ll be doing the boyfriend stuff, but they’re usually sleeping with someone else. At some point I wake up and realize I’m a fucking eunuch and run away.
I think the power dynamic works both ways as well. I’m personally aware that I’m only attractive in a blurry sort of way (from a distance). If a girl never really knows you then she’ll simply fill in the gaps with the man she wants. The archetypical male is in the space between phone calls. As long as you keep your mouth shut and let the archetype do the talking you’re all good. Use neglect to draw out her insecurities, and let the involuntary response kick in. The HTG girl, however, makes that play in reverse. The paucity of communication makes me imagine her to be somehow ideal and my neuroses run wild. I fill in the details with my archetype, and that girl drives me crazy.
I think it actually dates back to the first girl I ever kissed. I was a real dork but she made out with me one night. I was also drinking beer for like the 3rd or 4th time, but I’ve never experienced a kiss as good since. I thought that this was some sort of committment and started hammering her with calls and stuff and got all confused when she didn’t respond. Saw her at a houseparty with some dickhead upperclassman and I acted all tearful and entitled, but she (rightly) brushed me off. Later she was out with another dickhead boyfriend and got busted for Ecstasy possession. She got off and we stayed friends, though I always wanted her back.
Somehow that archetype got set in stone for me and I keep looking for that girl. I’m not even sure if I’m attracted to the person, or if it’s just the lack of attention. Sometimes I think that if a girl just leaves a void then the ghost of Jessica will rush in and I’ll be off my rocker. I feel like it works vice versa. Given a few triggers and a lot of neglect and the old archetypes will rush in, filling some hollow body with the ghost of relationships past.
What really pisses me off is that it’s 8 years later and I still behave like I did in high school. The only difference now is that I can read the signs, but I can’t control my behavior any more than I could as a teenager. I can’t negotiate the relationship into dating or friendship, I simply have to cut all contact before the train goes off the tracks. Or, more specifically, on the tracks. I’m still drawn to the archetype, and I still behave in the same typical ways. I really hope I grow up someday.