Watched a Dylan Kidd movie today, one of my favorites. It’s the classic story of a kid trying to learn about sex, much like the On Sri Lankan Girls post seems to be. It is about an apprenticeship, that is, the learning of a skill. Not being ‘interesting’, this is a specific social skill. Every culture from the Yanamomo to the Dutch has mating rituals of some sort, only loosely correlated to reality. Socialization is, by definition, breaking your instincts and remolding them to match your culture. In childhood you learn to shut-up, not throw your food and all manner of uncomfortable and unnatural things. You also learn language, which is a bloody incomprehensible and nonsensicle set of rules. Mating is another nonsensicle set of rules which we have to learn in our second socialization. The first step is to break your ‘natural’ instincts and remake them to fit the culture. In this case the culture is competive and consumerist. The mating ritual is not ‘being yourself’ any more than pissing your pants is potty-training.
As an analogy, children naturally simplify language. Toddlers take irregular forms and regularize them, as would make sense. So a kid will say ‘I have two feets’ or ‘I goed to the store’. In the same way, a naive boy will be nice to girls, communicate clearly, and read books. It’s sweet, but at some point you have to grow up and just accept whatever crap methods the society has set. In the latter example that would be ignoring girls, lying out of your teeth, and making money. Certainly irregular, even counter-intuitive, but that’s what socialization is. In a competive, consumerist culture, the idea that our mating rituals are anything but superficial and deceptive is ridiculous.
Note: I’m not saying that I believe in or act in these ways, but there is a definite ritual that I’m at least aware of. This doesn’t apply to all women, just the belle of the bell curve.
Rodger Dodger is (an excellent) movie about a cad and his nephew. Roger works in an Ad Agency and parties at night, always trying to pick up. His nephew wants to learn, and Roger endeavours to teach him. The dialogue is priceless and I recommend watching it. The first task is not teaching anything, but breaking the naive teenager down. He teaches Nick to ogle women discreetly, to get a girls attention (by any means necessary), be superficially interesting, move the conversation to sex, and close the deal as soon as possible. These are all wholly unnatural. No well-brought-up boy would behave in this way.
# *ogle*: What Roger valued here was the mental focus on sex. To live, breathe, and be finely attuned to the presence of sex in your environment. What this means, of course, is objectifying women.
# *get attention*: The first time they meet Elizabeth, Roger yells ‘Rosebud’ across the bar and flags her over. Nick is sweet and sincere, but Roger is the asshole initiating and finally sitting her down. The key here is to make the first move _by any means necessary_, including being rude. Or famous, or rich. Humble and knowledgeable won’t get you shit.
# *be superficially interesting*: “Your first instinct will be to open up and tell the truth. Fight it. Lie, keep it interesting” (Roger). What you need is something that makes instant sense – be it looks, flowing drinks, or a car on the curb. What people here call ‘interesting’ is almost always too complex for a bar. Anything that takes another sentence to explain is bloody useless. I can see eyes glazing over when I say I studied Cognitive Science. There is a tangible sensation when the interest is lost, there’s a skip in the illusion. If you want to maintain the illusion then you honestly need to just make shit up.
# *move the conversation to sex*: Now this is not nice at all. It does, however, put the main point on the table. They have to be aware that you have a dick. Roger and Nick got Jennifer Beale to talk about blowjobs, which was a definite plus.
# *always be closing*: Also not nice. A real gentleman would never broach the subject, preferably until marriage. But you have to. Horrible example, but there was a wasted girl at this party asking Nick to hold her. He was nice and said no, but that’s forgetting his ABCs.
Had a phone call and now I’m sleepy but I’ll update this tomorrow, maybe. I had a personal Roger Dodger in my life who was such an ass that I stopped talking to him. Round the time he kissed my girlfriend. I’ll add some on that. For now the thesis is,
There is a mating ritual, with rules. In a consumer culture, the mating ritual is superficial and deceptive.
For people who think that’s bad, I’d say it’s a step up from ‘I’ll trade you cattle for your 12 year old daughter’
update: Ruwani called it a game, which prolly makes more sense. Any game requires different skills than walking or whatever, and the first step is to lose your inhibitions about looking stupid. I think that’s what a Roger Dodger character does, and I assume everyone has one or two. These are mine.
*Iraqi Michael Jackson*: This was first year at school and I was (more) geeky and insecure. Somehow this weird Iraqi guy had gotten into Rez following a girl, who’d run away. I didn’t know that. He was just in the hall and asked me to play chess, so I said OK. MJ was very forward and I think he got my number or whatever and we started hanging out. I didn’t really have any friends so it was cool. MJ was weird cause he was a devout Muslim, so much so that he didn’t kiss girls or even masturbate. No alcohol, cigarettes, etc. He was also an expert Michael Jackson mimic, especially the Moonwalk. For a while he was claiming refugee status as an Iraqi until the authorities figured out that he had a job and revoked it. MJ lived in Vendôme in some sketchy Al-Qaeda safehouse with two beds and a hacker Arab roommate.
The Roger Dodger part of MJ was that he had zero inhibitions about talking to women. The fact that he would never sleep with them might have made that easier. One thing I remember was going up the Metro escalator and him starting a conversation with a Chinese girl. She actually wouldn’t stop talking to us, in that lonely immigrant way. I didn’t even know that was possible. It never occured to me that the social fabric allowed you to talk to strange girls, let alone on the Metro.
He was like that with anyone and everyone. He also knew the Arab neighborhoods and was able to find excellent Shish Taouk. The problem is that he was almost childish in conversation, and he started embarassing my friends. We gradually lost touch and I think he moved to Alberta of all places. *What he taught me was the first step, getting over the fear of opening my mouth*.
*Jon Douche*: Jon was a jazz pianist with a nipple ring, no permanent housing and questionable morals. Unlike MJ Jon did have sex, and often. I met him through Guillaume, and he somehow latched on. During the Jazz Fest he knew all the clubs where the artists jammed after the shows, and he’d play with them. Some nights we’d crash hotel lobbies and play the piano and sing until we got kicked out. It sounds sweet, but Jon was often well over the line that separates outgoing from asshole. He would start random conversations with anyone, and often got plain rude if they weren’t receptive.
One uncomfortable event was a dinner party at his house. Well, not his house, some house he was crashing at. I was there with my girlfriend, though we were on a ‘break’ of sorts. Her friend and our later roommate was there as well, let’s call her M. He was just being a dick as usual, hyperactive, petulant, and overtly sexual. I walk into the kitchen to find him pressed up on my girlfriend and took her aside to yell at her. Now the party is disintegrating and Jon looks like a sleazy bastard as far as I can tell. However, as we’re leaving, M says that she wants to stay. After hitting on my girlfriend, M was willing to take seconds. Never understood this. If there’s anything that Jon taugh me it’s that *there’s actually some value in inhibitions*.
Am wildly intoxicated after an amazing night out, but the thoughts are still fresh in my head so I will proceed. It’s not so much a mating ritual as it is a game. A fun, fun game. And when either party has the confidence or the flair to initiate a conversation, then you’re sorted. Tonight there were all sorts of men The arabs / minorities ( I’m not racially prejudiced but they have very predictable pick up patterns) who simply think staring someone down and salivating scarily will get them some. I tend to snort or drink lots of tequila and laugh raucously in response to this. Or there are the the wicked guys who are amazing conversationalists who will make eye contact, and me being the inquisitive and overtly confident person that I am, will just march right over in response to this. Hilarious and exciting conversation ensues that doesn’t require that I make excuses to get away but keeps me bouncing from topic to topic until I’m like: enough already, what’s your number? (I didn’t do this, have some vestige of dignity). All in all, there are some people that you know have amazing souls underneath and every thought is original, every retort is sharp and they ask the requisite questions – the ones that have long long answers, dude, those are the fun ones.
In my personal opinion life would be a lot simpler if there were more girls like Ru in the world. You go girl!
and there are guys like you around. what did you do to niki now? did you run away with the fellow since miss gluteus maximus here dumped the two of you?
Whoosh!
No alcohol, cigarettes, etc. He was also an expert Michael Jackson mimic, especially the Moonwalk. For a while he was claiming refugee status as an Iraqi until the authorities figured out that he had a job and revoked it. MJ lived in Vendôme in some sketchy Al-Qaeda safehouse with two beds and a hacker Arab roommate.
Don’t know Angie. I thought Niki was with you? Hmmmm – am a tad confused. I didn’t catch the first sentence of your post…what was that again?
How are you doing? No shanaka, we are not together.. have a couple thousand miles between us among a few other things. But, sure did the trick for you, didn’t it.. hu hahahaha…the great evil bastard has spoken!
Ruwani, you so reign supreme. I know that I’m forming a paradox in my sentence – but this woman makes sense. By any chance is your real name Siripala??? WTF, it’s the internet. I find it way too absorbing that a woman would give out secrets of the sisterhood that easily…(I’m referring to the secrets you let out in another blog.. can’t be bothered going there again- saw the sophist here.. forgive me). Hey, doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for the insight.
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Angie, did you get the CDs? I did not run away with shanaka and the gluteus maximas didn’t do anything to me. That’s shanaka’s path. I maybe a lot of things, but a paedophile I’m not. We can make a sequel to Rodger dodger with uncle shanaka giving swinley the whole birds and the bees lecture. Well worth a movie. Don’t make rating an issue now..
Oh on post script : Indi, machan send me Shanaka’s mail address.
well.. if im not mistaken.. towards the end of the movie, one is made to realize that roger in reality doesnt ‘get much’, inspite of all that he makes his nephew believe…
now, aint THAT ironic….
i watched that movie ages back… it was so pathetic !!!
That pretty much says it all, girls if your lookin for Prince Charming you’re lookin for Santa Claus he doesn’t exist, those books your parents read to you when you were a kid are full of shit. All men would love to have you think they’re somehow better than all the other men, they may come in different packages, but they’re ALL the same. I know cuz I’ve been with Lanta for 11 fuckin years (we started dating when we were 14). I know everything about guys, shit. I have 2 rabbits and that’s how I’ve come to the conclusion that pets are better than men, here are 22 reasons why:
1. Pets don’t have a problem expressing their affection in public.
2. Pets miss you when you’re gone.
3. You never wonder if your pet’s good enough for you.
4. Pets will feel guilty when they do something wrong.
5. Pets don’t front, they let it be known when they’re jealous.
6. Pets don’t play games.
7. Pets don’t give a damn what movie you choose to rent, they just want to be with you.
8. Pets don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.
9. You can train your pet, not your man.
10. You never get suspicious of your pet’s dreams.
11. Pets don’t know they’re gorgeous.
12. Pets understand what “no” means.
13. Your pet will eat everything you cook and love it.
14. Your pet won’t laugh at you when you get blitzed and make an ass of yourself in front of your peeps.
15. Your pet won’t correct your stories.
16. Pets don’t weigh down your purse with all their shit.
17. Pets don’t give a fuck how you dress when you go out.
18. Pets can satisfy their own “needs” and won’t ask you to do anything.
19. When pets kiss you they mean it.
20. Your pet won’t drink straight outta the milk carton.
21. You don’t gotta worry what your mom thinks of your pet.
Phew! Talk about emotional baggage!
Me? I don’t have any emotional baggage. I have friends who have been around the block a few times and I’m clockin what goes on around me. Even though I’ve only been with one guy I know a lot about em. While not all guys do all these things many do. I was fortunate enough to meet a nice, fly guy and avoid the bad ones. Even if you find a guy who is good, they will still do about 5 or 6 of the above statement and will irk you sometimes. I love the guy I’m with and even tho he’s Sri lankan and I’m half white half Puerto Rican we get along great. Lookin at some of my friends I understand that some men have more to offer than others like respect and common sense for example. For all these girls who think that the perfect guy is out there, just get a pet and don’t waste anybodys time.
Can’t say I agree with that load. I mean, doesn’t every one stand the same chance as you of meeting the perfect person. If you think that you’ve got it all figured out with Lanta, well…gud for you. Honestly I’m happy but don’t generalize about us guys. I agree with you, the world’s at times a shitty place but you just can’t give up on it just because it is…………
I firmly believe that going through 5 bitches and then finding the perfect person is worth it but not finding the perfect person just because you don’t like to go through bitches………..is just plain MaxX stupid.
isn’t that list off one of those e-mail forwards ??… several like these have been circulating around over the years… some about guys and others about women.. they probably should just be taken for their humor value, rather than as bases for forming opinions…
I dig what you’re sayin Loku, but think about it, The perfect guy (or girl in your case ) really DOESN’T exist. It’s unrealistic to find someone who has no flaws. My friends wanna find guys who are perfect in every way and I say they’re fuckin wastin their time if they think they’re actually going to find him/her, that’s triflin. Nobody’s perfect. SpectralCentroid you’re also right, this was supposed to be funny, or is it that Indi’s blog site attracts more males than females? They weren’t meant to be taken as sexist remarks, if anyone was offended my bad, just chillax ya’ll.
hmmm….dont really think that being with one guy gives one the authority to say that a pet is way better… coz its not that bad out there… and besides one should actually look around at whats on offer before they commit coz you never know what ya missing….like they say u gotta kiss a few frogs before u find prince charming!!!
I’m not sayin it’s that bad, all I’ms tryin to say is that it’s unrealistic to expect a guy to be perfect. I’ve commited cause I know that Lanta’s a nice fly guy and neither one of us is perfect, but we love each other for who we are. We’re both fly and could have anyone we wanted, but we chose each other. So go smoke a dime and chill.
Baby Z, mi español es débil tan arrepentido si esto no tiene sentido. Piense que usted tiene un punto allÃ. Nadie es perfecto pero tan largo como usted se siente cómodo con la persona que adivina que eso es todo que condes.
Loku, como ando? Estas es recto, esto es mi senalar. Si nadie es perfecto, pero algunos gente es mejor y si soy alegre con mi prometido. Lanta es bueno, no perfecto pero bueno. Soy muy afortunado.