Arranged Rape
sometimes it’s not all wedding cake
I was at this dhane, eating. A young woman started talking and went on to tell us a rather intense tale. She was married off to a wealthy man 15 years her senior, had two kids while he corralled her and fucked around, only painfully obtaining a divorce. She was Muslim if it matters. It happens all around.
Arranged marriages are great. I have met or heard about girls through my parents, and – while I haven’t hit it off with any – I think the idea is great. My cousin met her husband through the matrimonial ads, the families met, and now they’re settled with wonderful kids. It’s not how you choose a mate that matters, but it does matter that you choose.
The Muslim lady in question said she was 18 and felt pressured into it. Her husband promised her various freedoms and reneged, keeping her at home while he generally fucked around. This is my implication, but in these situations marital rape and abuse are not rare.
Now she’s got out of the marriage but is back in the family home. I’ve also seen this situation before. Having children means women need some support, both financially and in terms of childcare, and never end up fully independent. Plus getting a divorce still leaves a stigma on a woman, and the concept that a single mother would like to go out is also frowned upon.
This is not how arranged marriages usually end up, but it does happen often enough to be a problem. Personally, I think there should be a halfway house where women can crash, get child care, legal advice and access to career counseling and loans. The problem with abusive marriages is not so much awareness as lack of ability to act on that awareness. Any woman trying to break out has little social support, and thus there is also little incentive for the man to stop breaking the marriage.
Please note that I’ve seen abuse in both arranged and ‘love’, marriages. The title here refers to one particular situation but the issue is broader than that. I think it comes down to education, employment and independence of women, a metric that actually creates social good in multiple ways, ranging from sustainable birth rates, to happier, healthier kids.
Posted on Friday, March 2nd, 2012 in General.
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Education is the key, but the attitude of society matters a lot too. Our society still views a divorced woman quite differently from a divorced man. Lots of educated women seem to remain in abusive relationships because of this.
Not sure if I’m right, but Sri lankan women seem to have enjoyed much more freedom and respect in our society before colonisation
Nice post Indi. What is amazing in this whole ordeal is the attitude of other women to women who have undergone abuse. The mothers/aunties/sisters/neighbours of these abused women never seem to stand up for them. I am trying to figure this out. Is it because when your rights have been trampled on for so long by society and traditions etc. you get a victim mentality that you cannot get out of? The only time I get totally angry with my mother is when she ‘appears’ to ‘justify’ the abuse some of the women in her neighbourhood are under.
You have well studied our community with respect to marriages indi. I do agree with ” The problem with abusive marriages is not so much awareness as lack of ability to act on that awareness. Any woman trying to break out has little social support, and thus there is also little incentive for the man to stop breaking the marriage. ”
I am shaken by the issue that good writters like you working in a biased way towards feminism and bringing lot of sympathy towards the lady in question, though it could have been more balanced.
I hope you will stumble upon a male victim of Arranged marriage sooner or later. Sometimes he might not talk to you fearing that some one will call him “ponnayek”.
Women’s shaggy ness to take responsibility is one of the main reasons to these kinds of incidents and talks. They say “we are not responsible but the society is…. ” and so on.
As usual girls take all the fun and boys take all the blame…
And one last world from tamil proverb “epporul yaar yaar vai ketpinum apporul meipporul kaanbatharivu” means wisdom is, to see the true meaning of a dialogue rather than the just facts listed in it.
Cheers
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