Photo by Deshan

So, how does one get laid? In a socially responsible manner, of course. Whackster links to an interesting discussion on whether nice guys finish last. I used to think so, but I’ve since discovered that slow and steady can also win the race. I’ve noticed that, in the dating game, there are sleepers and there are creepers. Sleepers (those who sleep with, and fast) and generally careening assholes who seem, on the face of it, more successful. Creepers are those that hang around, even in the friend zone, and still get the girl (often after she has a bad experience with a sleeper). The unifying factor is confidence, which is why I think the nice guy route is more difficult. There is no instant gratification, or feedback, and you’re never quite sure if you’re a loser. Does make one a better human being though.

Mean

There were about six months of my life where I was not entirely sober. These are, unfortunately, well documented. In that time I was a bit of an asshole (as much as I can be) and I had some small success with women. I was also not very happy, and my relationships all fell apart. However, I have briefly tested the ‘mean’ or ‘bad’ method, and it sorta works. The key is attention, and the philosophical switch is viewing it not in terms of negative or positive but simply unweighted quantity. You can get an attention value of -3 or 3, but it’s still attention. That is, you can either attract attention by being awesome or by pissing her off. It’s generally easier to piss a woman off,, and any idiot can do it.

So, on a first meeting it sorta works to either ignore a girl, forget her name or say something rude. And then generally disappear to let it stew. She’ll be itching to clarify and will either seek you out or bring it up next time you meet. So you automatically have a next meeting. A negative one, but it’s still a meeting. And that’s something.

Throughout it all the most vital element is absence and your best ally is her imagination. Most men are not very cool, but women are desperately looking for one that is. The key is to basically establish that you exist and have a phone number and then let her make up the rest. A girls mind can create a much better man that you could ever be, if you just let it.

So push, and pull. And acting busy isn’t just an act. You have to actually be busy. And you have to be willing to let any woman go, because that’s where the negotiation starts. It also helps if everyone involved is drunk.

Nice

At one point I got lapped by a guy who was nice and just hung around. I thought he was a milquetoast, but he got the girl and I didn’t. So I learned something from that. Because relationships are fundamentally are about time and place. You hook up with the people you have available to you, when they’re available. Half of the job is just showing up, and half of the luck is that which mean guys create for you.

Because girls do want safety and, like, non-shitty committed relationships. So when some guy goes all hindbrain on them, they are ready to listen to reason. Sorta. This nice-guy thing is vague. It’s kinda a slow burn and I can’t actually tell if it works at all. I mean, I’m basically celibate now, but I’ve see other people be decent and end up with decent girls. I mean, I sleep better now, albeit alone.

But, regardless of manner, occasionally a girl will just fall out of the sky and like you. And it’s a wonderful thing. It’s nothing you did. She just thinks you’re attractive and wants you. Maybe that’s why it’s called getting lucky.

But more to the point, if you’re nice and confident, you will probably get a girl or a guy or whatever you want. There’s a line between being fawning and obsequious and being respectful, and if you tread it you should be OK. Of course I have no idea if this works. I suspect it’s a very slow burn, running into years. Like, girls you were nice to in high school or college you could hook up with now.

I don’t know. If I actually want to date a girl I still pull her pigtails and disappear.

In the course of writing this I discovered a 2005 post on Sri Lankan Girls. I was living with my parents and taking the bus.

Posted on Tuesday, January 20th, 2009 in Personal, Sex, Sri Lanka.